


washing machine heart

by clothesnotfound



Series: mcyt but i’m projecting [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Doubt, Vomiting, basically i listened to mitski on repeat and projected, its kinda angst? i have no idea, no beta we die like george in manhunt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:07:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29351709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clothesnotfound/pseuds/clothesnotfound
Summary: the game didn’t go well.he lost.they all laughed at him.he left.they messaged him asking if he was okay.he didn’t reply.shortly after he left, he saw quackity end his stream.maybe he overreacted.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), implied
Series: mcyt but i’m projecting [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2156052
Comments: 4
Kudos: 136





	washing machine heart

**Author's Note:**

> tw/cw for  
> \- mentions/depictions of self harm  
> \- vomiting

george couldn’t bother himself to focus on the conversation buzzing through his headphones. he didn’t want to, actually. dream was streaming, after a much needed break, and when george joined, sapnap followed suit. he always did.

everything felt muddled. he felt like he was dead, but he could still hear his breathing, feel the rise and fall of his chest. he could still feel the brush of fur on his leg, his cat curling around the limb.

“-orge?” he could faintly hear dream’s voice beckoning to him, pulling him out of his daze.

“mm?” george hummed.

“dream was asking if you were gonna come on the server, we’re heading to the smp.” sapnap explained, in the caring way he always did, because he knew george wasn’t always there.

“no, i’m fine,” george lied through his teeth, eyes slowly moving to the blur dream called his chat. he saw repeated “aww”s and sad faces, like they were disappointed george wasn’t joining his companions.

if they cared that much, they could just watch one of his vods where he _was_ on the smp.

“okay.” sapnap replied, going back to his conversation with dream.

george let it fade out of his hearing, becoming unfocused again. he heaved out a sigh, one that his mic didn’t pick up.

blankly staring at dream’s chat as the hours passed, he wondered how any of the viewers had the energy to consistently watch them day in and day out.

wouldn’t you get bored after a while? watching the same person make the same jokes and same facial expressions?

it all seemed so repetitive to george. so meaningless.

he wondered if his chat could see he didn’t care whenever he streamed. didn’t care that they gave him money, didn’t care whenever he mindlessly rattled off whatever name they wanted him to say for the millionth time that night.

he was sick of it.

staring at his wooden table, he pondered on how meaningless his life was. he remembered grade nine, whenever he took a knife that was too dull to his leg, sawing at the flesh until it broke.

it left a nasty scar the next day, one he didn’t bother to hide. and when he got questioned about it, he remembers not answering, as if he didn’t hear the question. he didn’t want people to know there was something wrong with him.

he only did it so someone would show an ounce of care for him. he remembers his friend at the time showing her faded over scars from months of self harm.

(he remembers wishing he wasn’t so scared to injure himself and be more like her.)

his shoulders slump, his body feels entirely too heavy and he’d rather die on the spot than be uncomfortable all the time.

he can hear loud banter through his headphones, but he doesn’t have the mental capacity, or the want to focus on it right now.

looking to the chat again, he saw a few people showing signs of worry for him, confused as to why he hadn’t been talking. he was sure sapnap had made some stupid joke and he didn’t catch it to make a snarky reply.

he didn’t care.

george closed his eyes, feeling overwhelmed.

was it normal to feel this way, when nothing had even happened?

“guys,” he managed, opening his eyes.

the call went silent for a moment, then dream piped up, “what’s wrong, georgie?”

“i think i’m gonna go.” george lied, “my head’s killing me.”

“don’t let it win!” sapnap joked, “feel better soon, g-”

he’d never left a call faster in his life.

he sighed, breath trembling with.. fear? relief?

he didn’t know.

he wasn’t sure he was ready to know.

pushing his chair back from his desk, george stood, walking sluggishly to the kitchen. maybe food would make him feel better. just like the ads said, ‘you’re not you when you’re hungry’.

a good slogan, despite being for a candy bar.

opening the fridge, he stared at the mass of food he had, neatly organized together how he liked it. he was sure the leftovers were bad by now, but he dug them out anyways, twisting the lid off and throwing it into the microwave.

the hum of the machinery as it warmed his food was something to combat the silence, combat the thoughts plaguing his mind. it didn’t help much, as a thought of doubt pushed its way through.

 _what if dream and sapnap are tired of you?_ it whispered, manipulative and cunning. he almost believed it, before it was cut off by the sharp beep of the microwave, pulling the door of it open.

george watched the now warmed food bubble with heat, the meal in question being macaroni and cheese. it wasn’t his favorite, but everything else took longer to make than just a minute fourty-five, and he felt like his stomach was going to consume itself if he waited any longer to eat.

moving to the living room, he switched the tv on, staring at a commercial playing. it was about a car brand, one that he heard so many times he was sure he could recite it.

as he ate, his mind wandered back to his college years, highschool as the americans called it. he remembers how lonely he was, how everyone ignored him, even by the people he considered a friend.

he noted that he hadn’t changed a bit, still feeling the same pangs of lonesomeness even with the two who considered him a best friend.

george was always too kind when he was younger, letting people use his heart as a place to clean their shoes off, leaving him stuck with the dirt and residue they left behind. he didn’t care, though. what would he have even done, cry about it? tell a teacher?

he didn’t care enough to get adults involved. it was trivial.

he recalls one of his best friends who eventually didn’t care about him anymore, who never thought to notify him their friendship was over, leaving him to figure it out for himself.

he thinks that hurt the most.

 _do you think dream and sapnap will do the same to you?_ the voice was back, whispering doubts into his psyche.

he didn’t want to admit it, but he did think they’d do the same.

maybe they’d take it a step further, maybe tell him they didn’t care about him anymore, in front of tens of thousands of people. and maybe he’d watch as the chat would agree, calling him annoying and needy and snobby.

maybe that’s what he needed. to be told that he was, and always would be, unlikable. maybe it would make him feel accomplished, as all of his negative thoughts would come to fruition.

he didn’t feel hungry anymore.

-

hours later, george wakes up on the couch.

he doesn’t remember falling asleep. his discarded food and spoon sit on the coffee table, as if it was waiting for him to start eating it again. he shakes his head, like he’s answering it, and he shoves it back into the fridge, spoon clinking in the sink as he threw it in.

the sun is down, george assumes it’s somewhere around the middle of the night.

a glance to the clock on his wall only confirms his suspicions.

he shuffles back to his domain, leaving the tv on in the room behind him.

shaking his mouse to wake up his computer, he stares at the amount of messages he has, stepping around his chair to sit in it.

some are from quackity.

some from sapnap.

some from karl.

even some from dream.

maybe there was some event going on.

he clicked on the top icon first, quackity.

it was a spam of messages for him to come on his stream, for him to come play some scary game with them.

he had nothing to lose.

he had replied, tracking down whatever call they were in so he could join them. staring at the mouse hovering over the channel, he wondered if being on two streams in one day was too much.

he mulled it over, knowing how loud the four could get when paired together.

he went back to his dms with quackity.

 _actually i’m not feeling well, tell the boys i said hi though_ he typed out, hesitating over the enter key.

oh well. he’d join them next time.

with a click of a key, the message sent.

the others messages were more or less the same, different variations of asking him to join the four of them. the last to check was dream, who had only sent two messages.

he tried not to think too hard about how many messages dream would normally send him, scrolling his eyes over the nicely formatted text.

**Dream** : u don’t have to join if u don’t want to btw

: i could tell u were a little off earlier today on stream

of course he noticed. he always did.

as if he was coded to do so, he typed out a cookie cutter response, one that would make sure dream and anyone else didn’t worry.

in a new tab, he opened quackity’s stream, noise flooding through his headphones as he put them on.

“george isn’t coming?” karl asked, disappointment in his voice.

“yeah, he’s fine though.” dream seemed pleased with george’s response.

his mood soured as quackity’s stream exploded, yelling at him that george was, in fact, watching the stream. watching it instead of joining.

“george is watching the stream?” quackity questioned, in the same overexaggerated tone he always did.

he closed the tab out before he could hear quackity mumble to himself about how george was a complete asshole.

he supposed he’d have to watch the vod when it was uploaded. he made a mental note to skip over the part where quackity would rant about him.

he snorted.

it’s not like he’d benefit the stream in any way, he already knew they’d talk over him like always. it happened last stream with them. and the one before that. it happened so often that he stopped talking altogether, because it’s not like anyone would pay attention to him. the only people who cared other than dream would be the chat, wondering where their “gogy” was.

he felt sick.

-

and now george was hunched over a toilet bowl, regurgitating any semblance of food. he watched the vomit spin in a circle and then flush down the drain, wobbling to his feet. despite his best wishes, he knew later he’d be hungry again, and eat something that would inevitably end up coming back out with a vengeance.

maybe it was karma.

the world was hurting him just like how he had hurt other people.

george laughed, it made sense.

stumbling back to his room, he collapsed on his bed, falling asleep with the light still on.

-

george woke up to someone spamming him.

he tried his best to go back to sleep and ignore his friend, groaning as he heard his phone buzz for a sixth time. he assumed it was quackity, or even sapnap, probably begging him to come on stream.

turning over, he grabbed his phone, squinting at the screen as he switched it on.

it was dream.

unlocking his phone, he navigated to discord, eyes wandering over the messages sent to him.

**Dream** : hey george, sap wants to play jackbox later with q & k, just wondering if you wanted to join 

: it’s ok if you don’t, i know how you get headaches after we play together with them

: george?

: i’m assuming you're still asleep lolol 

: sleep well my sweet prince 👑 ✨😚 

: sorry that was cringe lololol, they’re playing soon btw

george smiled for the first time in a few days.

dream always had this supernatural ability of making him smile when no one else could.

george wondered if it would hurt when dream got tired of him, when he had no one to make him smile anymore. 

he ignored his thoughts, typing out a reply to dream.

**George** : yeah i just woke up

: i’ll be there in a few, tell them they can start without me if they’re still waiting on me

dream sent a thumbs up, and george turned off his phone.

he felt so drained.

he was so tired of faking happiness, laughing at jokes that weren’t even that funny, or acting dramatic at something dumb.

he was pretending.

but for who? himself? his friends? the fans?

he wondered if he acted like his true self if people would still watch him. he doubted it. no one would want to see a guy silently play minecraft and then randomly end stream because he would get so overwhelmed out of nowhere and cry.

he didn’t want to be vulnerable.

george dragged himself out of bed and went to his computer, turning it on. mentally preparing himself for vc he was about to join, he slid his headphones on and clicked on the channel to join it.

“george!” quackity yelled.

george winced. “hello, quackity.”

“oh.. we started without you because dream said it was okay,” karl explained, “but after this game is over you can join!”

“okay,” george did what he always does, opening the stream on another tab to watch the chat. they were clearly excited to see him, despite seeing him yesterday on dream’s stream.

he sighed.

they were playing talking points, the game that was known to take the longest.

so george idled his time with something else, lowering his discord output so he could watch a video without four voices yelling over it.

it was a video about turning plastic gloves into grape soda, and it kept his attention fairly well. he was about halfway into the video before someone yelled his name, causing him to jolt and slam the spacebar.

“what?”

“the game’s over,” sapnap deadpanned, as if they’d trying to get his attention for a while. “what were you doing, scratching your ass or something?”

three voices professed their disgust in unison, george rolling his eyes at the comment. “no, i was too busy having sex with your mom.”

quackity did the one laugh where it was explosive and contagious, causing karl and dream to start laughing as well.

“what are we playing now?” george grabbed his phone so he could play with the others.

“survive the internet!” karl exclaimed.

oh. the one he wasn’t good at. “okay.”

-

the game didn’t go well.

he lost.

they all laughed at him.

he left.

they messaged him asking if he was okay.

he didn’t reply.

shortly after he left, he saw quackity end his stream.

maybe he overreacted.

he felt bad.

he was always one to ruin events, it seemed. it clicked back onto youtube and hit the spacebar, unpausing his video about gloves and grape soda. his shoulders drooped with fatigue, even when all he’d been doing was sleeping.

sleeping helped him not think of anything.

he didn’t want to think.

george barely noticed when the video had ended, autoplay selecting another one of the man’s videos.

he was hungry.

he found himself in the kitchen again, staring at the macaroni from last night. he felt sick at the idea of eating, but he’d do it anyways. dream always said for him to not go and force himself, but in this moment, he didn’t really care.

he was sure he’d pay for it later whenever he was over the toilet again, but he’d worry about that later. he decided to eat something more than just macaroni. maybe the reason he threw up was because it was barely anything on his stomach.

he was in the same position as last night, sitting in front of the tv, guilt eating away at him like he ate his food. he was bundled in blankets, freezing cold even with the heater on. he wondered if every night would be like this.

he hoped it wouldn’t.

-

for a few days, george went AWOL.

he ignored every message, every stream, everyone and everything.

right now, he was staring at himself in the viewfinder of his streaming system, trying for the third time to record a video.

he clicked on the record button, sighing.

“hey guys,” he nearly winced at how tired he sounded. “i’m taking a little break from youtube and streaming.”

he lowered his eyes to his wooden desk, gears turning in his head as he thought of what he wanted to say.

“i suppose i haven’t felt the best mentally,” he began, raising his eyes to look into the camera. “i’m sure you guys have noticed. you always do.” he faked a smile.

“don’t worry too much about me, i’m sure i’ll be fine in a few days. just need some time to think.” he hated how he sounded. he hated himself.

raising a hand, he waved to the camera, smiling widening. it didn’t reach his eyes. “bye guys.”

he stopped recording, rewatching the video.

he didn’t upload it.

-

“george!” dream exclaimed as george joined the vc with him and sapnap, “where’ve you been?”

“home.” george replied, “what are we watching?” he asked, clicking on sapnap’s discord stream.

“you know what i mean, george.” dream sounded disappointed.

were they finally leaving him?

“i was worried about you,” sapnap muttered, sadness creeping into his voice. “you don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, we’re watching into the spiderverse.”

“okay.” george hadn’t seen the movie before, and they were too far in to restart it.

the call was silent other than the occasional laugh, joke, and sniffle whenever something sad happened.

“do you want to watch anything, george?” sapnap asked after the movie was over.

“sapnap.. don’t you think we should talk about why he’s been gone?” dream cut in, sounding dejected.

sapnap hummed in thought. “do you want to talk about it, george?”

 _no._ “sure.”

“what have you been doing? you’ve been gone for like.. four days.”

 _i’m depressed and i feel like you guys are going to leave me._ “i was busy with my family. they came over unexpectedly.”

“oh. is that why you left quackity’s stream so suddenly a while back?”

 _no._ “yeah.”

“aw, sorry about that george. i assume they left today?”

 _they weren’t here in the first place._ “mhm.”

“oh, okay. sorry for getting so upset about it.”

 _are you going to leave me?_ “it’s okay.”

“do you wanna watch anything?”

 _please tell me if you’re going to leave me._ “sure. can we watch coraline?”

“of course.”

he didn’t focus on the movie at all, he could recite it by heart by how many times he had watched it already.

he felt so numb.

he didn’t even notice the movie was over until dream picked one.

“guys.”

“hm?”

“i lied.”

“about your family?”

“yes.”

“is it okay for us to ask why?”

was it okay?

“..yes.”

“well, what’s wrong?”

“i think i’m depressed. i haven’t felt the urge to eat or even get out of bed. i tried recording a video that said i would be taking a break, but i stared at my face for so long that i felt sick and didn’t upload it. i’ve been sleeping because it’s the only thing i want to do anymore.”

the two were silent. “is that all?” sapnap asked, concern laced in his voice.

“no.”

“go on.” dream said.

“are you guys going to leave me?” george hated how vulnerable he sounded. “are you guys tired of me?”

“george, why would we get tired of you?”

“i’m so.. uninteresting. and i don’t bring anything to the team. i’m so useless. i haven’t streamed in two weeks, and every time i go on someone else’s stream i ruin the mood.”

george felt a tear trickle down his face. he didn’t know he was crying.

“i’m tired of pretending like i’m okay.” 

“everyone struggles sometimes, george. you’re not alone.” sapnap sounded so comforting, so kind.

he didn’t deserve it.

“i think you’re interesting, georgie.” dream sounded so sweet, so nice.

he really didn’t deserve it.

“thanks. i think i’m gonna go to bed.”

“talk more later?”

“sure.”

george left.

he turned his light off, climbing into bed.

he didn’t sleep well that night.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry it’s not rly focused on one point, this was just a bunch of mental rambling abt how i’ve felt recently 👍🏼


End file.
